Movie Review: 2012

I finally left the house!

Yup! Today (friday), my sister, my brother in law and myself went to the movie theatre with the intention of watching 2012, a movie I had wanted to see for a long, long time. I paid my $9.99, and because the pizza pockets I ate earlier apparently weren’t enough, I got a large order of NY Fries and a large Root Beer. By the time the previews came on, I had put away all my fries. I’m such a glutton, like that.

Now, I know, and by now I expect this kind of movie to end up all cheesy, but fuck the storyline. I wanted me some special effects. I’m a huge sucker for special effects. Also, I’m a huge sucker for world destruction. So, in a way, this movie was made for me.
I guess you could say I’m quite the fan of director Roland Emmerich, not for his ability to bring out a great story, but because he pushes his SFX department to do their best (Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow, even 10,000 B.C.).
I was puzzled by the choice of the main character. This is supposed to be an action/disaster movie, not a romantic chick flick nor some 80’s coming-of-age movie, so when I finally saw the trailer and was met with John Cusack, I had my doubts. JOHN FUCKING CUSACK! What were they thinking? Fuck, put Keanu in there! or Keanu, Jr. (whatshisface from the Mac commercials). In any case, having seen the movie, I guess Cusack was alright. It just seemed an odd choice. No hate for the C-man.
Also, the president of the USA is portrayed by Danny Glover (who doesn’t say “I’m too old for this shit” in this movie), which reminded me of some post I saw a while back about how in every movie where there is a black president, everything ends up destroyed. Well, Mr. Obama will still be president in 2012, so we’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we?
And, my man Woody Harrelson plays the bit of some ham-radio yahoo. As for the rest of the cast, there’s a few “oh, I’ve seen that guy somewhere”, and a whole bunch of unknowns.

The movie, as you probably know by now, is based on the idea that the mayans predicted the world will end on December 21st, 2012. That, in itself, is a bunch of bullshit, but let’s go with it. I could give a lecture about the mayan calendar, but that’s not why we’re here.
So, a gigantic solar flare heats up the inside of the Earth, and the SFX team is working overtime. Everything is exploding, buildings are falling, huge gaping holes appear on the ground, and I’m having the time of my life! At this point, I’m thinking “I want to watch this movie EVERY DAY!”
Then, of course, the USA have come up with a plan to save humanity. Who’d you expect? Peru? And that takes up the second half of the movie. It becomes your standard USA! USA! flick where the military and government are evil, and a bunch of standard action sequences we’ve seen in many a movie before.

I’ll spare you the details, so as to not spoil the movie for you, but I have three awesome things to say about the movie.
First of all, this is a disaster movie that doesn’t take place in New York. What a relief that was!
Second, not to offend any catholics, and believe me, it’s not a spoiler, you can see it in the trailer, I loved watching catholic landmarks destroyed. First, the Cristo de Corcovado (that giant Jesus statue that watches over Rio de Janeiro), and then the Vatican (first, the Sistine Chapel, and then St. Peter’s Basilica crushing the crowd that had gathered to pray – Pope included!).
Third, on a more personal note: I might (or might not) have mentioned ’round here that one of my recurring dreams since I was a kid is of myself flying in an airplane, looking out the window and seeing the whole world destroyed. There were a few scenes like that, and they creeped me the fuck out. In a cool way.

Oh, and before I forget… this might come out as a blooper or a movie mistake down the road, but I saw it as I watched the movie. In one of the news broadcasts, they mention the 2012 London Olympics have been canceled. This is supposed to be December. The 2012 Olympics would have already taken place, in the summer. Duh!

So, all in all, was it a good movie? It depends. I’m assuming starting tomorrow the internet will launch a campaign saying it sucks (the internet also thought Napoleon Dynamite was good, so there’s your mob mentality). If you’re into special effects, world destruction, John Cusack, or are just looking to kill a good two and a half hours (!), go for it. If you’re into watching landmarks be destroyed in “creative” ways (I loved the battleship crushing the White House – also in the trailer!), go for it. If you want good acting, a beautiful plot and a gorgeous Mediterranean scenery, I’d suggest Vicky Cristina Barcelona.
In any case, as always, here’s the trailer, for however long YouTube lets me link to it:

The Iceberg.

 

Epic Post

Number Six…

Will you marry me?

The Iceberg

 

Better late than never, I guess…

I have no problems complaining about the quality of both the telecommunications companies I employ. You may have noticed I hate both Bell Canada, and Rogers. Bell Canada offers, for the most part, excellent service. It’s their credit and billing departments that seem to be run by retarded flying monkeys. In the case of Rogers, it’s almost even pleasant to talk to their customer reps, but it’s the service that is a piece of shit.

“Hey, Rogers? Why can’t I place a long distance call to Mexico, despite being charged 7 dollars a month for my Long Distance Saver plan?”
“Uh… it must be the phone companies down there”, they’ll say. Even when I tell them my sister’s shitty $15 a month Koodo service has no problems establishing contact with “the phone companies down there”.

“Hey Rogers, why can’t I send text messages, but can receive them?”
“Uh… you should be able to…”
“Yeah, I should, technically, since I’m being charged for the service, but I can’t. Hence, my call.”
“Yeah, uh… you should be able to…”
“Thanks, asshole”.

So yesterday, the following happened.

“Your text message woke me up last night”, I was told. For the record, yesterday was Monday September 28th.

“Huh?”, I wondered. I had no recollection of texting anyone for the last couple of weeks, let alone Sunday night. I know my mind’s been acting weird lately, but I’m pretty sure I’d remember texting. Or maybe not? Maybe I did send out a text message, and my mind didn’t register the event? Perhaps I texted in my sleep? I even checked my phone to make sure I hadn’t. I felt like I was insane, having to double-check if I did things I was pretty sure I hadn’t done.

I got home from work, and investigated. “What message?”, I asked.
“The one you sent me at 3.15 in the morning, but I only got the second part”.
Now I felt even weirder. I was pretty sure by 3.15 in the morning, I had been asleep for at least 45 minutes. “Are you sure it was me?”, I ask. Should I just call the men in white, already?
“Yes, I’m perfectly positive it was you”. I was shown the image of what appeared to be my text message. I noticed the words that appeared on said message. I grabbed my phone and investigated further. Question marks were floating around my head like a swarm of killer bees.
Then, I saw it. A text message I actually did send, where the last words matched the words I was shown on-screen. I saw the date on that message, and laughed. It was a text message I sent out the night of September 6th., three weeks ago.

It all made sense. Well, except for the fact that it took 3 weeks for Rogers to transfer half a text message. But at least I could put the phone down. The men in white will have to wait another day.

Thanks, Rogers, for making me doubt my sanity! And for not letting me communicate! For crying out loud, I’m paying nearly a hundred bucks for my service, and I have to use the email function on the iPhone because I can’t text, and I have to buy long distance cards because I can’t call directly.
Shit, typing that just made me feel stupid. Why am I even paying these cretins?

The Iceberg

 

No sympathy

I hardly ever get topical on this here blog. I hardly ever discuss news items, unless the baffle me in some way. Well, on Sunday, I was baffled.

See, I’m not an activist or anything, but one of the things that pisses me off the most is the way women are treated in some parts of the world. Condemned to a lifetime of never being seen, never being heard, and having only one right – the right to live (unless, of course, they are the victims of rape, in which case they bring shame and dishonour, and are deserving of being stoned to death).

Well, on Sunday I was reading my news items, as always, when this particular item caught my attention:

BBC: Mali Protest Against Women’s Law

Let’s wrap our heads around that one, shall we?

1. The Government of Mali, an african nation, proposes a law that gives women equal rights in marriage.
2. Women, yes, women, become pissed at this new law.
3. So pissed, in fact, that they organize a protest against said law.
4. All in the name of – you guessed it – religion.

Nice!

I look forward to watching video clips of these women being stoned to death for daring to organize themselves in protest. Stupid bitches.
The government has your back, you idiots! You can now speak, co-own shit, and inherit more shit when your husband dies. But you don’t want rights? Are you fucking kidding me? Why, dumbasses? Why don’t you want those rights?

“We have to stick to the Koran,” Ms Dembele told the BBC’s Focus on Africa programme. “A man must protect his wife, a wife must obey her husband.”

Oh.

The Iceberg.

 

Riddle me this

See if you can guess how I feel today. It’s not hard, but if you’re somehow stumped, I guess the image title would be a huge clue.

I haven’t much else to say. I’d go on another of my depression-fueled rants, but what’s the point? It’s not like anyone gives a shit anyway.
If something pops up, I’ll let you know.

The Iceberg

 

Fast Food Follies

Have you ever walked up to the drive-thru at McDonalds and casually placed your order – while on foot? Of course not, that would be stupid. Of course, I was about to do that yesterday.
Had I not gotten a ride home from work, that is.

See, since monday I’ve been promising myself to go to McDonald’s (something I don’t do very often) to buy a large chocolate shake. My mouth has been watering every time I think of one, for some reason. And last night was the perfect opportunity.
There’s a McDonald’s close to my workplace, just not on my regular path. But my regular path is now full of shrubbery, and walking in yesterday felt like I was walking through the jungle. Not something I would want to do at night, and risk stumbling upon a skunk, or a raccoon. That meant I’d have to walk around, and yes, walk next to McDonalds.
Fortunately, of the few people there yesterday, two of them left at the same time I did, and I managed to get a ride home. No chocolate shake for me, yesterday. But that’s alright, since I had lunch at another fast food joint.

On my walk to work, I had to stop by the grocery store in order to buy a can of coffee, since I had run out on tuesday. Of course, I had no food prepared, due to a minor mishap with a pack of ground beef I left to defrost for a bit too long. So, I decided, I’d stop by the No Frills, pick up my coffee, and buy something to eat either at the store, or at one of the few restaurants on the way.
There’s a Subway, a Burger King, a Tim Horton’s, and as I mentioned, just off my regular path, a McDonald’s and a Harvey’s. Since I was running a little late, I wasn’t going to go off my path. So, Burger King it was.

I hadn’t eaten at BK since I took my daughter there once when she was like 3 or 4. She’s 9 next September, just for reference.

I looked at the menu, and nothing looked really appetizing. I’m not the biggest fast food fan. All I wanted, after all, was a burger and maybe a cup of coffee. But for the price of that, I could get a “value meal”. So, I went with a Double Whopper Value Meal.
I got to work and before changing into my work costume, I wolfed down the burger. To tell the truth, it wasn’t bad. I would have enjoyed it more if I hadn’t had to scarf it down like some dog, but it was tasty, indeed. I forgot about the fries until I left work, so I didn’t find them quite as enjoyable. And the coke had long been consumed, while I was walking to work. Hey, I hadn’t drunk coffee. I need caffeine in order to function properly.

You know which fast food joints I miss? KFC, Popeye’s, Wendy’s. I’m not even sure there’s a Popeye’s here in town. It’s nice to indulge every now and then. On the other hand, I cook well enough that I don’t feel the need to eat out that often.
(Unless my plans for spaghetti are thwarted by the odd smell emanating from my ground beef).

The Iceberg

 

Angel vs. Devil #1: Beer

I’m stumped. Sometimes, intelligent reasoning can go in two separate directions. In the end, it becomes a battle of reasoning between one’s own brain and… one’s own brain. All, thanks to a 5,000 year old Egyptian invention.

In cartoons, there’d be a little angel over my right shoulder, and a little devil over my left one. Both present valid arguments.

Here’s the situation.

Yesterday, I bought a case of beer. 24 cans. On an average day, a case will last me two days. A weekend, so to speak. Today, however, wasn’t an average day. Days, by the way, are becoming less and less average.
It used to be that I could calculate my beer intake by the hour. Such as, if it takes me 12 hours to drink 12 beers, I can start drinking at 3 PM, and be safe and sound in bed by 3 AM. Now, my tolerance is much higher. Twice as much, actually. Now I go by half-hour averages.
Anyway, yesterday, apart from my case, I bought two cans I didn’t have in my collection (yes, I collect beer cans). 26 cans total, of which I drank half yesterday. I awoke today with 13 cans in the fridge.
By my standards, I figure that’s six and a half hours of beer, which, based on my 3 AM standard, means I’d have to start drinking at 8:30 PM.
Problem is, it’s not even 6 PM yet, and I’ve only got 6 beers left. Which is why I have this conundrum.

On one hand, I could muster up a lesson in economics 101, and figure out how not to spend on shit I don’t need – and I’m not an alcoholic (yet), I don’t need beer. Maybe those 30 bucks could come in handy down the road. Put them in a jar, save them for when I go back home. Do you know how far 30 canadian dollars can take you down in Mexico?
Makes sense, doesn’t it? After all, the money you don’t have because you previously spent it on unworthwhile shit always comes in handy at a certain point…

On the other hand, says the little devil, what do you work for? The purpose of holding a job, beyond covering your living expenses, is to be able to earn enough so you can enjoy life. You don’t (and can’t, as of lately) spend on any other entertainment… why limit yourself?
If you want beer, and you can afford it, why not buy it? It’s two hours of work, for 12 hours of fun!
Rent money’s in the bank. The next paycheck can go towards bills and groceries. Plus, you have more than enough for beer. Buy it, and you’ll still have enough left over to get you through the week. Plus, it’ saturday! Let’s party! And remember, with all the empties you have lying around, thing of it as getting a case at half price!

Well, geez, that little devil makes a good argument. They both do. I already made up my mind. What would you have done?

The Iceberg.

 

Canada Day

Whoever said drinking was an unproductive activity? “Bollocks!”, I say. If it weren’t for my habitual shopping at The Beer Store, I would have ended up reading something else while on the crapper, and hence there’d be no post today. At least, no Canada-themed post today.

It’s Canada Day! 142 years ago, Canada became a nation. Sure, americans can say their country is older, but we get fireworks today and you have to wait until saturday. neener-neener.

Anyhoo, while at The Beer Store the other day, I picked up their current issue of “chill”. It had Megan Fox on the cover, so why not. Being a free issue with the same kind of content as Maxim (sans the chicks), it’s perfect company to my bowel movements. Or what? Did you think I shack up in there with the New England Journal Of Medicine?
This particular issue featured as a big highlight the whole Canada Day thing. One of its articles was, in fact, titled “142 facts about Canada and Canadians”. It was written by Randy Ray and Mark Kearney. Don’t say I don’t quote my sources. I’d like to share with you my 39 favorite “facts”. I’d share a case of beer, too, but for fuck’s sake, the Beer Store is closed today. Oh well.
They appear as numbered on the magazine.

2. The red and white found on Canada’s national flag were designated as Canada’s official colours in 1921 by King George V.

4. The first drive-in movie theatre was established in Stoney Creek, Ontario.

5. The Montral Canadiens’ nickname, the “Habs”, refers to early French settlers called habitants.

7. Methodists in Upper Canada (now Ontario) once banned the use of violins when playing religious music because of the instrument’s association with dancing and merriment.

27. The Royal William, a Canadian Vessel, became the first ship to cross the Atlantic using steam in 1833. It later became the first steam ship to fire a gun.

32. The Calgary Stampeders are the only CFL team to go undefeated during the regular season. They went 12-0 in 1948.

36. Craig Ramsay of the Buffalo Sabres is the last NHL player to play a full season without drawing a single penalty. He did so in 1973-1974.

38. Dr. James Gosling, who grew up near Calgary, developed Java, a universal computer programming language.

40. Dr. Ron Taylor, former team physician for the Toronto Blue Jays, has four World Series Rings: two awarded to him when the Jays won the Series in 1992 and 1993 and two from his previous career as a major league relief pitcher with the 1964 St. Louis Cardinals and 1969 New York Mets.

47. O Canada was composed in 1880. In 1908, Robert Stanley Weir wrote the translation on which the present English lyric is based. O Canada was proclaimed the national anthem on July 1st, 1980.

50. Canada occupies half of North America and nearly seven percent of the total surface of the Earth.

52. When WWII was declared in 1939, Canada was completely unready. While the government placed orders for uniforms and rifles, volunteers trained in their “civvies”, sometimes carrying broomsticks.

57. Sir Sandford Fleming designed Canada’s first adhesive postage stamp and proposed the present system of standard time, by which the world is divided into 24 equal time zones. 

60. In 1970, Canadian skier Betsy Clifford was the youngest skier to win a gold medal at the World Championships in Val Gardena, Italy. She was 16 at the time.

68. Of the top 10 flying aces in World War I, four of them were Canadian – Billy Bishop, Ray Collinshaw, Don McLaren and William Barker.

69. Ottawa journalist Sandy Gardiner is credited by some with coining the phrase “Beatlemania” to describe the frenzy created by the 1960s rock group.

70. Canada’s first Olympic gold medal was won by a man competing for the United States. George Orton of Strathroy, Ontario took first place in the steeplechase at the 1900 olympics in Paris, but because Canada didn’t have an official team he entered as part of the American team.

71. The robbery phrase “hands up” originated in British Columbia. Bill Miner, known as “the Gentleman Bandit”, is said to first have used the phrase while robbing a CPR train in Mission Junction in 1904.

73. Jack Graney of St. Thomas, Ontario, was the first baseball player to get a hit off Babe Ruth in the major leagues. Ruth started his career as a pitcher.

76. The last Dominion of Canada four-dollar notes were issued in 1911. They were replaced in 1912 by Dominion of Canada five-dollar notes.

80. Students from McGill University introduced the game of rugby, with its oblong ball, to their Harvard counterparts in 1874, who up to that time played only with a round ball. The americans were so taken by the the game thay adopted it and it eventually evolved into the football now played throughout the country.

83. Among the names considered for Canada before it officially became a country in 1867 were Cabotia, Ursalia, Laurentia and Columbia.

84. Canadian Roy Ward Dickson gets credit for inventing the game show. His radio program “Professor Dick and his Question Box” debuted in Toronto on May 15, 1935.

89. Canada has two patron saints, Joseph, the spouse of the virgin Mary, and Anne, who was Mary’s mother.

90. The first downtown mall in North America, Wellington Square, was built in London, Ontario in 1960.

92. George S. Lyon of Canada won the gold medal in golf at the olympics in St. Louis in 1904. It’s the only time golf has been played in the Olympic Games.

93. Superman was co-created by Toronto-born Joe Schuster, who created the Man of Steel in the 1930s with his friend Jerry Siegal.

98. In the 1760s, some people in Great Britain wanted to trade their colony in Canada to the French for their West Indian island of Guadeloupe. They argued that the island’s coffee and sugar crops would be better economically than the fur trade.

102. If you have the torn half of a $20 dollar bill, it’s still worth $10 because ripped bills still have value, according to the Bank of Canada. Bills that have three fifths or more of their otiginal size remaining are worth their full value while those sheared in half are worth half their amount.

103. Winnie the Pooh is named for Winnipeg, Manitoba. A real bear cub from White River, Ontario, was taken to the London Zoo by Harry Colebourn, who named it Winnipeg, or Winnie for short. A.A. Milne (Pooh’s creator) was a frequent visitor to the zoo.

105. Louis B. Mayer, the film producer who grew up in New Brunswick, is responsible for creating the Academy Awards.

106. Henry Woodward and Matthew Evans of Toronto produced the first light bulb a good six years before Thomas Edison. The famed american inventor actually bought the right to the Torontonians’ patent.

109. In the late 1960s, rumours about Paul McCartney of the Beatles being dead were partially fueled by a badge he was wearing on his shoulder on the Sgt. Pepper album. Fans thought the badge said OPD for “officially pronounced dead”, but in fact it was an Ontario Provincial Police badge he picked up while performing in Canada.

110. Newfoundland was originally set to enter Confederation on April 1, 1949, but Premier Joey Smallwood got the date pushed back a day to March 31 to avoid any possible jokes about joining Canada on April Fool’s Day.

113. When John Wilkes Booth, the assassin of Abraham Lincoln, was killed during a manhunt, officials found a Bill of Exchange from the Ontario Bank of Montreal on his body. Booth had spent time in Montreal plotting with Confederate soldiers and had opened an account there.

114. Not only did Canadian James Naismith invent basketball in Springfield, Mass. in 1981, but five of the 18 players  in that first game (there were nine a side back then) were Canadian.

115. If Canada was divided equally  among Canadians, each person would receive a piece of land roughly the size of 27 baseball fields, or about 365,000 square meters.

132. When officials were debating in the 1860s what to name this country, one suggestion was Efisga. That derives from the first letters of England, France, Ireland, Scotland, Germany and Aboriginal lands.

140. At the 1920 Olympics in Antwerp, Belgium, the Canadian team, for undetermined reasons, had no flag for the opening ceremonies. Flag bearer Archie McDiarmid marched into the stadium carrying a bare flag pole.

Phew! I thought I’d never end. Anyway, I hope you find these facts about Canada interesting. I was going to comment on them, but the post is long enough as it is.

Happy Canada Day!

The Iceberg

 

 

 

R.I.P., Michael Jackson

Isn’t it sad when news reports regarding your changing from a black man to a white woman are met with gossip; when your dangling of your child from a balcony are met with disgust and reproach; when your admittance to sleeping with little children is met with revolt and complete despisal; yet your death is met with both “meh” attitudes and jokes?

Yes, Michael Jackson, the so-called King of Pop died a few hours ago. Yes, people die every day, and the fascination with celebrity deaths is a morbid tendency in human beings, for whatever reason.
But “Wacko Jacko”, as the tabloids called him, was no ordinary celebrity. Farrah Fawcett? Sure, she was a hottie that appeared on a TV show in the 70’s. David Carradine? Yeah, he kicked ass and was Bill. Ed McMahon? Well, he used to shill Cash4Gold… Michael Jackson was, for all intents and purposes, somewhat of an über-celebrity.

My relationship with the guy doesn’t amount to much – I rocked out to the Thriller album back in the early 80’s, enjoyed his part in “We Are The World”, kinda dug “Bad”, and liked his early 90’s song ‘Black and White’. That was it. Oh, and once I bought his HIStory Cd. I can’t remember who I lent it to, but I never saw it again.
His tabloid appearances didn’t do much for me. Nor did the rest of his professional career. To be honest, I didn’t even think his Thriller video was that much of a big deal. I cared very little that he could afford an amusement park in his home, or that he had a pet chimpanzee. In fact, I hated that of all people, he had the moniker of “The King Of Pop”.

Of course, how many people had collaborations with Sir Paul McCartney, Eddie Van Halen and Slash, among others? How many people have had their songs covered by (yes, they might not be the greatest in the world, but the covers were decent – or if not decent, at least well known) Alien Ant Farm, Chris Cornell and the Bloodhound Gang? 

It was quite disturbing, in one of those weird coincidences, that while many songs from all over the place pop into my head for no apparent reason, the last week or so “Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’” has appeared in my mind, both the chorus and the final “mama-se mama-sa mama-cusa”, on separate occasions.

In any case, I was talking to my buddy JM on Messenger, probably about such adult subjects as Top Cat or Gleek, the pet monkey of the Wonder Twins, when he interrupted me with a HOLY SHIT! MICHAEL JACKSON IS DEAD!
Naturally, I immediately went over to Fark. If it was true, it would surely be there by now. And yes, under the guise of a ‘clever’ headline, there was a link to TMZ.
“Well”, I said to myself, “TMZ is not a trustwothy news source”. I immediately logged on to every fucking news site I could imagine – MSNBC, CNN, Fox News, AP, Reuters… about 10 minutes later, MSNBC had confirmed the news. Half an hour later, CNN and FOX still said MJ was in a coma. When I returned from a cigarette, pretty much everybody had been updated: Michael Jackson had indeed died.

During this time, I posted on Facebook. First that TMZ and MSNBC had confirmed. Then, CNN, Fox and AP. Finally Reuters. at the same time, others were making jokes. Stupid ones, at that. And everybody else had comments and “likes”. Except the guy who was reporting “live”, which leads me to think one of two things: either it is a clear indication that I should kill my Facebook account altogether, or that people are just too stupid for actual news and would rather “like” or comment on the jokes.

In any case, this isn’t about me, but about Michael Jackson. The guy died, abruptly, and nobody flinched. People were more distressed when he said he’d move to Bahrain.
In fact, nobody has even mentioned his string of concerts that were supposed to take place in London between July 2009 and March 2010. Everybody was too busy commenting that “his nose fell off!”. Morons.

Even though he wasn’t my idol by any stretch, when I do my shift on monday I’ll only wear my right glove. Just out of respect for the guy. My gloves are black, not white, but hey, “It don’t matter if you’re black or white”.

The Iceberg

 

Crushcrushcrush

Oh, the title is much more than a Paramore reference. It’s 3 posts in one! and I’d like to crush all three! Get it? Hee hee.

I was, finally on Tuesday, reading the newspaper I bought on the weekend. The Toronto Sun, it’s called. And as many of its tabloid shaped contemporaries, it’s a piece of shit. Mind you, I’m not trying to attack the newspaper itself, or the integrity of its writers, it’s just – well, there’s a reason I put off reading it until yesterday (as of this posting).
It has maybe 5 or 6 pages dealing with actual news – headlines, business, the works. The rest of it is drama from crime victims in Toronto, around 40 or so pages of sports, 10 or so of entertainment, and of course, the SUNshine Girl.
Except for the lack of nudity and in most instances the attractiveness, picture the Page 3 section of that British paper – might be the Daily Mail, can’t remember.
In this instance, the infamous SUNshine girl looked like a cross between Blackie Lawless from WASP and Tila Tequila. Not unattractive, per se, but not exactly something you should model in the backpages of a newspaper (and I use the term lightly).

I started thinking about males’ instant reaction to seeing the Sun. Immediately we (yes, me included) flip to the back of the paper to see the day’s girl. In fact, I’ve seen places where they sell the paper, and instead of showing the front page, they show the SUNshine Girl.
Of course, if my brain had left it at that, there would be no post today.

People have crushes on the weirdest people. I don’t just mean crushes on ugly people (celebrities or not). Just, plain odd choices. You have to believe that at any given Motley Crue concert, there must be at least one girl hoping to get backstage so she can fuck Mick Mars. Likewise, there must be some guy who has a huge crush on whatsherface from Britain’s Got Talent. You know the one, Susan Boyle, I think.

Me? I’m weird myself. There are a few of these celebrity people I wouldn’t touch with a twenty-foot pole (and I’m discussing females here). Not because they’re monsters or anything, but they just don’t work out in my fantasies. Take mexican singer/repeater-of-roles (I refuse to call her an actress), Thalía. Back in the day 90% of straight guys in Mexico would fawn over her. I don’t know if it’s her personality, or just her lack of, well, fuck, I don’t know. I just get the shivers when the idea of her and myself… like right now.

I’ve always looked for the girls in the background. Ever since I was a kid. I remember having a crush for a while for the “Just the Fax, Ma’am… Just The Fax” girl on the Die Hard II movie. There’s a sentence I don’t think may people say everyday. There was a commercial (also in Mexico) for some evaporated milk that showed a young girl (about my age at the time – yes, I was young once too, you know?) drinking the product. There was no innuendo because of the milk, in case you were wondering.
There’s a girl, I can’t even think of her name, who also started doing commercials. I think she’s some kind of actress now. At one point (I kid you not) I kind of had a thing for Janeane Garofalo. There’s the whole Queen Latifah thing I don’t want to discuss right now. She’s not attractive, per se, but she conducts herself way sexier than your “celebutantes”. And then there’s Leah Remini. Too bad she’s a scientologist. And of course, nerd goddess, Olivia Munn.
And it’s always the girls in the background. The ones they show on camera attending soccer games in Mexico, the ones I see at dollar store registers, the “extras” in some TV shows (except Scrubs. Sarah Chalke is my wife, and she doesn’t even know it yet).

Most of the ones famous for being “hot”, the Nicole Kidmans, the Madonnas, the Megan Foxes… meh. Can’t say I’ve had better, but I’ve certainly seen better.
Of course, if the day ever comes when all of a sudden Elisha Cuthbert, Scarlett Johansson or Jessica Alba are pounding on my door, I’m not going to hide behind the couch and pretend I’m not home.

Oh, and speaking of the newspaper I was reading… They include a section where they discuss all the events on fucking reality shows, for crying out loud. “dancing with the stars”, my ass. I’d have a reality show called “dying with the stars”, place a stupid fan of some annoying celebrity with said celebrity in a gas chamber in which death would occur within the hour. Imagine that! The last hour of a celebrity, and his/her fan, doing whatever they please for one hour before the toxic gases kill them.
Or “Who’s the World’s Most Worthless Celebrity!”, in which Paris Hilton, Tila Tequila, Dane Cook, Kevin Federline, Nicole Ritchie, Clay Aiken, and a cast of others shoot themselves to death with carpet staplers, nailguns and whatever power tools they can get their hands on – the last survivor wins a quick death by guillotine. Or drowning in a vat of my urine. I haven’t decided that yet. 

Just to finish this double-themed post (kind of a review of a shitty paper and a discussion on crushes), let me quote a personal ad I found in said paper:

LOST: Small Tote bag. Thursday June 11th, between 1pm and 9 pm. Pearson Airport Terminal A. possibly near Air Canada gate, Molsen restaurant, or Duty free shop. contains, camera, withengraved name, cellphone, cash, jewelry bag, with moonstone ring, silver art nouveau brooch, other jewelry with high sentimental value. REWARD. Call Nancy XXX-XXX-XXXX

First of all, who hangs out at the airport for 8 hours? Second, who keeps all of their valuables (money, phone, camera and jewelry)in a bag they’re just going to leave about at the restaurant or Duty Free shop? Third, The terminals in Lester B. Pearson International Airport are 1,2 and 3, not represented by letters. Fourth, one would just HAVE to assume Air Canada has more than one “gate”. And last but not least, assuming this is somehow real, good luck getting your bag back, Nancy.
When at airports, I hold on to a bag containing a shitty, old, broken laptop for dear life. I’m even paranoid when I have to let it go so it can go through the X-Ray thingie.
Shit, people are dumb. And you just don’t believe me.

The Iceberg