Yesterday I bought a new coffee maker, since the other one died on me last weekend. I was just too lazy to get it out of the box. “Ah”, I said as I scratched my nether regions in a display of laziness. “I’ll set it up tomorrow”. Big mistake.
This morning I awoke, smiling. Yes, really. When I remembered I now had a coffee machine, I smiled. I managed to crawl out of bed, take a piss, and as I stared at the Black & Decker box on my kitchen counter, I thought I’d be sipping on some fresh-brewed coffee in no time.
Nope. My brain was still half asleep, my eyes were still rolling back into my head. I had a hard enough time pulling the cardboard flap in order to open the box. Inside, plastic. Lots and lots of plastic. Plastic bags, plastic holders, plastic tape… even the ”plug into the wall” thingie had a plastic protector.
I finally managed to set the damn thing on the counter, rid of all its plastic shell. “Now, let’s look at the manual”, the part of me that was awake thought. I know how to operate these things, I just wanted to find out if I had to remove any plastic from within the machine.
Apparently not.
Then, of all things, the carafe had a stupid piece of paper that read, in three different languages, this: Wash me with sudsy warm water before using me”. Two things crossed my mind. First, “Great, the one thing I want to do even more than drink coffee, since I just woke up, is to WASH FUCKING DISHES”. And second, this is an appliance that (hopefully) adults will use. Why is an inanimate object referring to itself in the first person? I mean, if I had bought a “Tickle Me Elmo” I’d understand, but sheesh!
Finally, I put some water in, “brewed” it as per the instructions, and then proceeded to actually make myself my joe.
Quite tasty, it was. Being a new machine, it had no artificial flavorings (as in buildup from the tap water I use). And there was peace in the land, for The Iceberg was happy with his purchase.
The Iceberg
