Iceberglandia

I’m at work today, busier than Robert Downey, Jr. with a bag of coke. I’m loading a truck and I still have a couple more things to do before the end of my shift, when my boss comes up to me and says “Iceberg, do you want to go down to Receiving to see what just came in? Because [insert name of person responsible for Receiving] is busy.” Like I’m just sitting there picking lint off my belly button.

Yep, it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.

The Iceberg.

Ha. Who’d have thought. Guelph, Ontario is but a mere village, when compared to places 100 kms. around, such as Toronto, London, KW and Cambridge.
Yet, I’ve noticed something weird. It all began on the day when I flew back from my christmas vacation. See, Misplaced Lugagge Airlines has an in-flight magazine, for some reason called Continental. While browsing through that month’s edition, I came upon an article that mentioned Guelph. I mean sure, they might have mentioned Toronto somewhere, but they didn’t mention any of the previous cities I mentioned. Or Winnipeg. Or St. John’s. Or Saskatoon. Or fucking Whitehorse (although I’d guess the only magazine that would print articles on Whitehorse would be Eskimo Weekly – ba…Zing!). I am no longer in possession of said magazine, so I can’t really remember what they said about Paradise City, but I swear, they did mention it somewhere.
I thought it was cool, and I left it at that.

Then I started receiving funny looks from those who happened to stumble upon my house and found themselves in need of relieving their abdominal pressure. See, I used to have Maxim, or FHM, or Stuff Magazine in the john, for those moments. But I guess people thought I kept them in there for masturbatory purposes. So, I changed that. I now read articles in a different vein when the need to poop arises.
I walked into a convenience store the other day (yes, there was an Indian guy behind the counter, why do you ask?) and walked out with an over-priced magazine. The september (!) issue of Revolver.
On page 32, in one of those quick information tidbits, they mention, and I quote, “Victory has signed Guelph, Ontario, co-ed post-hardcore quintet Farewell To Freeway; the band’s second album and label debut should surface in 2008“.
Despite never having listened to, or even heard of the band, I again said “cool”, and left it at that.

And this morning, as I, um, replied in the kindest manner to nature’s call, I found myself with an issue of Decibel Magazine. I was reading the album reviews, and I stumbled upon this:
ARISE AND RUIN “The Final Dawn”
The approach that Guelph, Ontario’s Arise And Ruin take on their debut album is a novel one…..(the review is a couple of paragraphs long.) Sure, they only got a 5/10, but still, they got mentioned.

So I’m like, WTF? Suddenly my little city gets mentioned everywhere. Sniff, I feel so proud!

The Iceberg.

Saturday, Feb. 23rd, 2008 – 8.45 AM

The Iceberg lies in bed, broken, battered and exhausted. It has been a rough week at work, and today is his day off. For whatever reason, the plant changed his weekend schedule, so he will be resting today, and working the Sunday shift.
The previous night, he promised himself not to wake up anywhere near or before 10:00. “Around noon” seemed like a more tempting concept.

The cellphone he keeps next to his bed – during the week it is his wake-up alarm – begins to ring. It is not the alarm, it’s something different. A call, perhaps? The Iceberg is too asleep and too unaccustomed to receiving calls. It is until he picks up the phone and looks at it that he notices the words “Incoming call”.
After pondering for a couple of seconds in which direction he should toss the telephone, so as to obtain the longest distance without actually harming the little trinket, he decides the fastest way to fall back asleep is to answer the damn thing and get it over with.

“Yo!” (because he still thinks it’s cool to answer like that, after all this time).
“Yes, may I speak to Mr. Iceberg, please?”
“You’re talking to him.”
“Yes, Mr. Iceberg, we’re calling from Rogers to remind you that you have a balance of $130.”
“No, I don’t, I made my payment yesterday.”
“Oh, yes, you’re right, I’m seeing it on the computer. Sorry to bother you.”

*Click*.
The Iceberg noticed he has spent the entire night sleeping on his right side. So he flipped over on his left side, and miraculously fell asleep for another couple of hours.

The Iceberg.

First off, it’s not that I refer to my collective group of family, friends, etc. as a herd. Unlike some religious institutions I can mention, I have never referred to my acquaintances as animals. Unless, you know, they have an animal-related nickname. It was just a title ok?

Second, I have 125 contacts on MSN. In any given week, I talk to 15 of them, tops. Obviously, I won’t be deleting any of them. But between the idiots that never reply to a conversation; the ones that take the time to log on, find you in their contact list, bother to say hi and as soon as you reply they take off to do something else (this, on a daily basis); people who have already blocked or deleted me (as well as people who seem to operate under the belief that they are too good to talk to me); people whom I have no contact with whatsoever; and quite a few who I swear, I don’t even know how they got there, well, why have them here in the first place?

First, let’s get rid of the people I don’t know, or don’t remember knowing.
Gee, there were more than I thought. And we’re down to 108. Now, let’s take care of those who I do happen to know, but for whatever reasons communication went *poof*, like a really loud fart. This should be fun.

Wow. Just wow. Down to 55! Isn’t it sad when, after removing people you don’t know from your list, half of them turn out to be assholes? Anyway, I just got done disposing of a lot of stuck-up cunts from back home (and by stuck-up cunts I mean persons of the female gender who for whatever reason consider themselves divas, which once were friends or coworkers).
Also, a couple of “friends” also from back home, you know the kind… you talk to them on MSN, you provide answers to all their Canada-related questions (weather conditions, job opportunities, immigration issues), and when you make plans to hang out when you go to Mexico, they’re always “too busy” or “too uninterested”. Fuck’em.
And from Canada, well, good riddance to a couple of people from work. If they are so interested in showing me their indifference, they may do so in the 8 hours I’m there. At home, I don’t even want to hear about it.
Also from Canada, an insane bitch from the Pacific coast. Last time I talked to her, she spoke ill of me and my daughter. As for why I hadn’t deleted her before, I have no idea. I thought I had.
And a couple of people from Toronto and London. Which sucks, cuz they used to be cool people. Oh, well.

As for the other people I haven’t yet deleted, I’m just gonna stick them in a Contact Group titled “Assholes”, for now.

In part two, I’ll be thinning out my Facebook account. Yes, even more. Fuck, I might just delete the damn thing. Those idiots with “1000 friends” on Facebook, Hi5, or MySpace… how pathetic. Quality over quantity, says I.

The Iceberg.

Yes, I should have discussed this topic in December or January. But guess what? I couldn’t, so let’s deal with the fact that it is now February.
I hate new year’s resolutions, for reasons I might have discussed elsewhere. I hate the existence of them, I hate those who swear by them, and I love watching people fail at them. You know the kind… The ones that swear to go on a fucking diet, and a couple of weeks later you see them waiting in line at the buffet. The ones that make resolutions so unreal to their individualities, that you just bow down your head and shake it, hoping they don’t notice. Like that dumb fuck from back home who told me his new year’s resolution was to find a hot woman and marry her. Being the ugly antisocial turd that he is. Hey, that could have been myself, but who’s counting?

But since I opened my stupid mouth too soon and proclaimed 2008 to be the Year Of The Iceberg, I did make a couple of resolutions for myself. None of that “oh, I promise to go to the gym” shit, because who am I kidding? But just make a couple tweaks in my life, correct the incorrections… fuck, just try to have a better life, if you will.
And for your 10 minutes of enjoyment, here they are.

To put away some money every year, and have it collect a measly 3% interest.
My target is to start at 5 grand. Just save it, forget it even exists. Of course, the fact that a month and a half into the year my liquid assets amount to 40 bucks and whatever change there is on my bookcase (maybe another 14 bucks) is a grim forecast, but still, I have time…

To erase the people in my life who contribute nothing, or contribute negatively.
I want to discuss a part of this on another post. Mainly, deleting imbeciles from my Facebook, MSN and other accounts with whom I have no interaction, or whose interactions are pointless adventures in wasting time. But it doesn’t stop there. It goes deeper, it means letting go of certain aspects of my life, of my past, that do nothing but hold me down.

To stop bitching about my lack of a social life, and well, fucking create one.
I know hotties aren’t going to be banging on my door (although they should), I know there’s at least 3 hundred people in Guelph who share the same interests as I do (although, I guess I’m the only death metal fan who doesn’t smoke weed), and I know the internet offers a myriad of opportunities to know people… so why bitch because a couple of idiots from work stopped talking to me? It’s time to drop the whine, and bring the wine!

To do unto others as they do unto me.
This one hurts a bit, because it betrays my philosophy of being the goddamned best I can, but fuck it. I owe it to myself to stop being everybody’s pushover just because of my convictions. YOU treat me like shit? How about I treat you like shit, see how it feels? Fuck everyone who’s ever thought “oh, it’s the Iceberg, we can treat him like shit”.

To purchase a vehicle that relies on sources other than myself to move around. Preferably, with a fucking roof.
Yes, I’m in the market for a car. Personally, I’d go for an SUV. But, as I mentioned before, I only have 40 bucks on me, and a quest to save 5 grand, so we’ll see. I’d settle for a VW Beetle, if they still existed.

To finally straighten out my music collection.
At first glance, it sounds simple. But when you’re such an avid fan of music as I am, and when your musical taste is spread over a thousand different genres, it becomes nearly impossible. And when bands record albums in different genres, what do you do?? For example, would KMFDM be classified under Techno, or Industrial? Would Testament be classified under Thrash, or Death? Or, judging by the quality, would Metallica’s St. Anger be classified under Metal, or Indie? Fuck if I know.

To stop leaving blog ideas on Notepad.
Sucks for you, now I want to post everything that crosses my mind. Yes, that encompasses the nonsense that goes on at work; the speed at which canadian bread turns green, as opposed to mexican bread; the FUCK, KILL, MARRY section I have under my sleeve, and my love/hate relationship with WWE.

There’s a couple more things, but since quitting drinking isn’t one of them, you’ll have to excuse me for now. Oh, and envy me, tomorrow is a holiday.

The Iceberg.

Lately, I’ve been feeling the way the rest of the world felt in 1989: Infatuated with Batman. I can’t seem to recall a time since Saw II when I’ve so eagerly anticipated watching a movie (Saw III was more of a surprise, and Saw IV, well, I wasn’t even expecting that one). But for some reason I feel like a teenaged fanboy with this new Batman movie.
I guess it has to do with how much I liked Batman Begins. See, I’m not much of a comic book/super hero geek. I am a geek, I’m not denying that, but the whole DC and Marvel thing never did it for me. I do, however, have fond memories of sitting at home (this in a yet-cableless world – either that or my parents were cheap) watching TV. And before getting sent to bed, watching Batman, that old TV series with Adam West. The POW!’s, the BANG!’s, the PO-WHEET!’s… Sure, a cheesy series, but for a 10 year old Iceberg it was a whole different thing.

Then, in 1989, Michael Keaton played Tim Burton’s Batman, a much darker perspective of our hero. And while the first two movies had a certain appeal, by the time Joel Schumacher took control of the saga, it took a turn for the worst. We all know how *that* went.

Then, in 2005, Batman Begins came out. I was so unimpressed with Batman Forever, Batman and Robin, and for the love of all that is good, fucking Catwoman, I didn’t even bat an eyelash at this new movie. Even though the internet said it was good (last time I believed the internet I wasted two hours of my life watching Napoleon Dynamite). But then a friend at work started telling me how good it was (he, being a comic geek and all). So, while I was on vacation, I decided to give it a try. Because travelling to another country, your home country, is the perfect excuse to lock yourself in to watch movies… Anyway, I watched it, I liked it, and I liked the ending. Well, the hint of who was going to be the villain in the next film.
Which brings us to 2008, and the trailer for said movie. Watch it, and try to tell me it doesn’t kick ass.

How not-in-tune-with-the-rest-of-the-world am I, that I didn’t know the part of the Joker was played by Heath Ledger, until the reports of his recent death (and the subsequent internet buzz). Anyway, the movie is supposed to come out in “SUMMER 2008″, and I guess my buddy and I will be the first in line. Fuck, if we didn’t find ourselves in the need of keeping our jobs, it wouldn’t be a surprise to find us camping outside the theatre for a couple months, like those Star Wars nerds. Now, those are geeks.

Oh, and as a special treat, here’s the same trailer for The Dark Knight, but done with legos. Fucking awesome!

The Iceberg.

Well, being that we’re in mid-February, the whole idea of writing about the previous year seems pointless, so I won’t go into as much detail as I had planned. Who cares about the past anyway, huh?

I do have to say that it was, in general, a good year. For me, at least. I hope it was good for you, too, but I can’t go writing about stuff that happened to you, now, can I?
Anyway, without further ado, here’s some highlights:

It was the year I finally got hired by the company I work for.
Yes, I know it’s far from a dream job. Yes, I know there are times when I just feel like walking out. And no, I don’t see myself doing the same thing five years from now. But hey, I’m good at it, it covers my expenses and, to an extent, keeps me fit, so I’m not complaining.
After working there as a temp for over a year, I was finally hired on in april. What does this mean, as opposed to being a temp? Well, for one, a little more money. Benefits. Paid 2 week vacation. But the most important part, for me, job security.

It was the year I moved into a much better, livable place.
After a year and a half in the deepest bowels of hell, amidst junkies, crack whores, petty thieves, maggot infestations, criminal landlords, gunfire (once), police visits (once a month, at least), loudly disrupted relationships, listening to everybody talk, shout, fuck, eat and shit, showering in the filthiest bathroom this side of Trainspotting, and my personal favorite, flushing other people’s bodily waste (piss, shit, vomit, blood, god knows what else, or any combination thereof), I was finally able to move.
Eight months later, here I am in my own place, where everything is still super-duper.

It was the year in which, dare I say, I finally grew up a little.
Well, I wouldn’t say I “grew up”, but in a way I guess I matured a bit (oh gasp!). I came to terms with who I am and where I am. I learned a couple of valuable lessons about what’s really important in life. I learned to let go of the nostalgia that was holding me back. I learned that people change, people will always change, and when they act like they’re too good for you, you’re not supposed to feel bad, but instead act like they’re completely right. Move on, and fuck’em.

It was a year of making projects and decisions to improve my life.
Not that I’ve been able to do much, yet, but bear with me. I promised myself that 2008 was going to be the Year of the Iceberg, and I’ll be damned if I don’t at least drop dead trying.

Of course, not everything was a magical kingdom filled with rainbows, unicorns and Ronnie James Dio music. There were a few aspects of the year I didn’t much care for. The first and most important being, of the 7 years she’s been alive, 2007 is the year I’ve had the least contact with my daughter. Not because of me, mind you. 2008 doesn’t seem too bright either. But I must (hard as it is) keep my sanity and not do anything stupid.
If I were to give out awards, and if in said awards I were to create a category named “Company most hellbent on making The Iceberg’s life miserable”, There would be a tie. Between a certain communications company in Canada (I might have mentioned them somewhere), and Continental Airlines. Now, I know I don’t deal with Continental on a daily basis, but let’s play statistics for a sec. I’ve landed in McAllen, TX a total of four times. Of those 4 times, my luggage has arrived with me once. a 25% success rate. You’d think that after paying 600+ quid for a ride and a bag of peanuts, you’d at least enjoy the privilege of walking out of the airport with your belongings…
If i were to mention a category named “Celebrity which I wish hadn’t died in 2007″, there would also be a tie. Now, I know it would be a stretch to name a professional wrestler a ‘celebrity’, but because he was a good wrestler (one of the best, in terms of his ability) and the circumstances related to his death, it was a shame to lose Chris Benoit. And, of course, I already talked about Kevin DuBrow.
Finally, my social life was a complete disaster. No surprises there, one would assume if one were to jump the gun. Like you’re probably doing right now, you. Here in Canuckistan, it is true, I’ve not been able to establish a social network. What was surprising was the apparent death of my social life back in Mexico. Well, not death, I mean, I still have friends, and I still see (most of) them whenever I go down there, but it’s awkward.

Anyway, we’ll see what the rest of 2008 has in store. And about discussing 2007, hey, better late than never, huh?

What do you mean, “no”?

The Iceberg.

There’s not a more exhilarating sensation in the world than working your ass off for a couple of weeks, getting paid and then using said money for, well, nothing, apparently. I should just set my 20 dollar bills on fire, at least that would be entertaining.

“Now, hold on, there, Iceberg”, I can hear you say. “First of all, there are far more exhilarating sensations. Second, why don’t you give your money to me? Hee hee”. Yeah, nice try, retard.

But why, oh why am I pissed off today? Well, let’s ennumerate the many ways my money gets me nothing. For starters, how about the 50 bucks I pay each month for the privilege of watching the little circle thingie on youtube that means the video is buffering because you have a shitty connection? But wait, for $50 a month, you not only receive the little circle, you can also give your index finger an extra workout by hitting the ‘refresh’ button repeatedly in an exasperated attempt at loading a fucking web page! And hey, downloading stuff? That shit’s so 2007! The new trend is using your (arguably) high speed internet connection as an excuse to call tech support every day, and have them tell you there’s no problem with your connection!

On the subject of throwing money away on internet misadventures, over a month ago I shelled out 80 bucks for my domain name and a hosting service. And well, just yesterday they sent me an email apologizing for my service not working, and not to despair, in a couple of weeks it would be up and running. Fuckers.

Next up, those fuckwads at city hall who are too busy collecting taxes on FUCKING EVERYTHING, they can’t be bothered to give the taxpayers a decent service. This little item is probably what has me so pissed off right now.
See, I just got back from running a couple of errands. I took the bus downtown (yes, in case you were wondering, Guelph Transit sucks, but let’s leave that for later), and used my transfer to visit the grocery store which is a 20 minute walk from home. Figuring I might as well get everything done and walk home, I went and finished my errands and started walking home.
The first half of the walk was uneventful. It was when I got to Paisley that I became irritated. Then angered. Then fucking irate. See, for some reason, nobody has found it odd that the sidewalks are buried under 40 cms. of snow. Fucking idiots.

And the last thing. One of my errands today was sending my ex 150 dollars. You know, for “child support”. Or, as she likes to call it, free money. She’s been on my ass all week demanding that I send her money. This, from someone who didn’t let me see my daughter in December (last time I saw her was in August), and who lets me call her maybe 5 times a year. But when she needs money, I’m the bad parent. Anyhoo, I sent her the money, got home and saw her on MSN. I gave her the necessary information so she could collect the money, and she asked how much I sent. When I told her $150, she started bitching. Ha, ha. Of course, by the time I tried to ask her when I could call my daughter, she had disconnected. Surprise, surprise.

Anyway, I’m off to work. I need to make more money so I can throw it away. Pfft… and people thought buying booze was wasting money. At least that can be accounted for.

The Iceberg.

Well, now that january is over, maybe I can start writing my ‘2007 – The Year In Review’ post. Ha. See, I would have already done that one, and the one discussing my 3-week vacation, but with all this crap regarding my internet connection, well, it’s been kinda hard.
On the bright side, I might find myself acquiring a new computer. Nothing fancy, just what seems like a good deal for 450 quid. Although with my luck, well, you know…

Anyway, just wanted to let you know I’m still around, and I still think about y’alls!

The Iceberg.