Iceberglandia

Let me say something before we begin. I hate John Cena. I hated him since he was a measly wigger, and I hate him more now that he acts like a testosterone-filled alpha motherfucker who is portrayed by the WWE as unbeatable. I hate his stupid five-knuckle shuffle, and his signature moves are idiotic, at best. Wrestlemania can’t arrive soon enough, so (according to the storylines) either Shawn Michaels or the Undertaker take his championship from him. And it’s going to happen, believe you me. See, not only are both Michaels and the Undertaker among the most popular figures in WWE, but they’ve also been there for quite a while, and they’re both ready to retire. To hang up the proverbial wrestling boots, if you will.
But anyway, on to the topic at hand.

A few months ago, I was watching RAW on a Monday night, not bothering anybody, when all of a sudden they started showing this trailer for a movie called “The Marine”, starring none other than WWE Champion John Cena.
“I can’t wait to see that one”, I sarcastically mused, while I saw the trailer. But as the weeks rolled on, morbid curiosity settled in. If nothing else, the movie had Robert Patrick as the bad guy, and if Terminator 2: Judgment Day taught me something, it’s that Arnold Schwarzennegger may be undestructible, but he can suffer from “cheesy one-liner overkill syndrome”. It also taught me that Robert Patrick makes a cool bad guy.

Anyhoo, this past thursday I finally had the “opportunity” to sit back, relax and watch “The Marine”, starring John Cena.
Turns out, it’s not a bad movie. Well, it’s not a bad movie when your expectations are as low as mine. It’s cheesy, it’s completely implausible, it has dumb dialogue (complete with bad one-liners). Think “Commando”, with Arnold Schwarzennegger. Hey! Now that I think of it, “The Marine” is also about an ex-military guy who goes after a kidnapped family member!
There are a couple of scenes in the movie that, unless an explanation for them is shown in the ‘Deleted Scenes’ part of the DVD, serve no purpose other than show John Cena fight. Which was to be expected, actually.
On the bright side, at least in the movie nobody got F.U.’d or locked in the STFU (Cena’s WWE moves, for those not in the know). In fact, other than a scene where he bodyslams a bad guy into some crates, the director was decent enough to spare moviegoers of any wrestling references.
One thing that did piss me off, however, was a segment in the movie so cheesy, so goddamned out of character, that it took me completely out of the movie. See, there’s this part in the movie (don’t worry, I’m doing my best not to spoil the movie for you) where there is a car chase. After firing more bullets at Cena than all the bullets fired during World War 2, to no avail, obviously, one of the bad guys says “He’s like the Terminator”. Right after he says that, the camera shows the bad guys’ rear view mirror, and Robert Patrick turns to the camera in a T-1000 stare. I wish I had the time to edit that clip for you, but don’t despair. I’m sure it will turn up in one of those “Worst Moments in Movie History” DVDs.
The movie itself is not bad, by which I mean it’s not a disaster. It has decent action sequences, which i all you can ask for in an action flick. Well, that, and tits, but “The Marine” has no tits in it. The best part of the movie, and I don’t know if I’m biased or not, is Robert Patrick’s character. The ‘funny’ bad guy has been done before, but Mr. T-1000 takes it up to a new level.
As far as Cena’s character? Well, he’s the classic Hollywood Hero. The funny thing is how in his scenes he’s hardly shown face first. Must be a hell of an actor! Well, even when he talks in WWE, he fucks up a lot, so what could we expect?

Bottom line: Should you see this movie? Yeah, why not. If you liked “Commando”, you’ll like this one. If you’re a Cena fanboy (or fangirl), you already watched this, I’d assume. And if you’re bored and have some time to kill, you won’t hate yourself afterwards. But if you’re a movie snob and are looking for great acting, great directing, character portrayal and plot development, go watch something from the Sundance festival, ‘cuz there ain’t none of that goin’ on here.

The Iceberg