Of all the weird situations in the world that have seen me as a victim, I have to say, this ranks very high. At least for now, since it only happened yesterday.
See, what happened is so wrong, and in so many ways… This time nobody crushed my heart. This time I didn’t end up in the hospital. This time nobody nearly destroyed my life because they took something I salid the wrong way. This time, it was more, um, “lighthearted”. Wrong, but in the end nobody was hurt.

See, I was minding my own business at home, getting ready to do laundry, when all of a sudden the phone rang. Usually, nobody calls me during the week, except telemarketers. So, I assumed it was a telemarketer, and was about to not answer, when a pang of guilt struck. As I rushed to the phone, I envisioned calls of all kinds, from different people. Could it have been my sister, saying something happened? Could it be my other sister, calling to say hi? Could it be the damn idiots from Blockbuster who call every day asking me to return their movies, even though I’ve yet to enter one of their stores? Could it be… nah, she never calls.

“Yo!”, I spoke in to the phone because in my delusions I like to believe I come off as cool by answering “yo!” than the typical “Hello”.

“Hello, Mr. XXXXXX”, a male voice said, and then proceeded to ask how I was doing.

‘Great, a telemarketer, I thought’, when the voice said “This is Officer So-And-So from the Guelph Police”.

HOLY JUMPING FUCKING JESUS!!! Was my reaction to hearing the police call my home. Not because I have incurred in criminal activity (other than he odd download, or two – but that’s supposed to be legal in Canada, if the extra taxes on recording media are to be believed), but because unless you live in a very, very small town, the police force doesn’t just phone to say hi. Was one of my loved ones dead? In jail? In the hospital? Kidnapped? Missing?

No, of course not! How silly of me! The reason of the call was to invite me to participate, with a small donation, in the ‘Fishing with the Police’ event that would be held… *dialogue fuzzy, as my mind started spinning in circles…

Yes, the Guelph police now do telemarketing! Anyway, as donutboy there explained, there’s going to be this fishing tournament in which local officers will take young hoodlums off the street to take them fishing. “Fine and dandy”, says I, but why on my buck? I mean, there are so many things wrong with that…

First off, the only reason the police have my name and number is because I reported the theft of my bike a couple of weeks ago. Did I tell you about that? The day after I posted my adventures with the downstairs neighbors, my vehicle, my means of transportation was stolen. The imbecile who answered my call went as far as to doubt it had been stolen, instead accusing me of being stupid enough to lose it. When I explained “well, I know it was stolen because the front tire is still locked to the fence”, he too figured out it had been, indeed, been a victim of Grand Theft Bike. Mr. Detective, here, told me they couldn’t do anything about it. And now they want me to give them money to go fishing? Anyway, I compiled a list of things I found “in disagreement with a logical world”:

1. As I said, the only reason they got to me is because I had filed a report on my bike. Is that how they obtain numbers to pester people into donating?
2. Second, seriously, telemarketing? From Guelph’s Finest?
3. Not asking me for whatever I wanted to donate, but intend for me to agree upon a fixed sum? (He asked if I was willing to give them 45 dollars. When I said no, he said “how about 35?”. When I again said no, he went down to 25. After that, whatever I could give him.)
4. Don’t my taxes pay for the police, among other things? And boy, do I ever pay taxes! It’s the Canadian way!
5. Fishing? Don’t Police Officers have better things to do?
6. If they want me to pay for their fishing trip, why don’t they offer to take me?
7. Shouldn’t they be finding my bike, instead of planning fishing trips?
8. Why do they expect me to help them, when they didn’t even offer to help me?
9. I have to repeat: The Police? Telemarketing?
10. Do they think the Joe Stoners of the city are going to stop commiting delinquent acts just because the police takes them fishing one day?

What has this world come to? Sheesh, people!